Maybe I'm a paintbrush now

I have been lucky. Lucky that I had some degree of freedom to consciously choose what I want to do in my life for the next few years. But, with that freedom comes the question of identity. Who am I now and who should I be next?

In my mid 20s, I was struggling with the challenge of consistency and persistence. Post my first job which was a 3 year gig, as I took the plunge into the startup world, attempting to build my own company, I kept jumping through new ideas every year. Albeit this was to a certain degree driven by the early failures of those ideas, I found the experience a bit limiting. As I entered 30s, I built this principle of choosing to do something only if I can commit to do it for at least 3 years. This has allowed me to choose wisely and let go of many short term opportunities. I think there is an inherent merit to thinking long-term in all aspects of life, but more on that in a later post.

With the consistency aspect sorted, next comes the question of direction. Although, theoretically, a person can choose to do whatever they want to, I do feel each person is born with a certain edge. Whether this edge is in the genes, in the micro-environment around them, or whether it's decided by where they put their first 10000 hours, is an open question. But even if they select the domain, the role they play in the domain still needs to be decided.

I tend to think better in terms of metaphors. So, on the question of identity, metaphorically speaking, am I the painter or the paintbrush? Or is it that I am the color or maybe the canvas? Each has its role, each equally important. Some might value one, some the other. But, a beautiful work of art needs all participants.

I conjured up this metaphor randomly, but I think it's aptly suited to another realization that brings a bit of existential dread in me - that my domain, software engineering and broadly technology, is probably a means to an end. This makes me more of a paintbrush than a painter. Although limiting, this crystallization of identity brings a certain relief as well.

And this question of identity is not a static one, but a dynamic one, something that probably needs to be revisited again and again. I maybe a paintbrush for now, but in the next act, I might need to be the canvas - the receptacle of the artist's expression, where the art finally meets the eye of the patron.